10 Things I Wish I Had The Guts (And The Time) To Do

1. Wear red lipstick. I’ve always felt awkward whenever I walk out of the house with even the slightest make-up on, so you could imagine me putting on red lipstick. I thought it would only make me look like a flesh-eating Bratz f*cktard. But still, I’ve seen photos of women wearing luscious red lips and I somehow thought that it MIGHT look good on me had I only been brave enough to wear one.

2. Ride a roller coaster. Okay now, no laughing. At this point I would have to admit that I’ve never experienced a roller coaster ride. I blame it on my unmanageable motion sickness attacks, even riding a Merry-Go-Round is a catastrophe.

3. Kiss a stranger full on the lips. Yes I know, it may sound sick but I’ve always wished I had the guts to steal a kiss from some random guy out there. Like when you’re walking down the street and this guy, looking all hot and enigmatic, eyef*cks the hell out of you. Swoon! Oh well, it’s me and my perversities again.

4. Spit at someone else’s face. HAHA! Yeah, this has been my ultimate fantasy. I would work up some juices inside my mouth, take good aim, and spit it all at the face that disgusts me the most. Oh, the satisfaction and the sense of fulfillment it gives is beyond measure. Works best if you have colds (wink).

5. Shoplift. Prices of goods are ridiculously high these days. So you wouldn’t blame me if I suddenly have this urge to pocket a few merchandise and relieve myself the burden of having to pay for them. If only supermarkets aren’t too strict on implementing security procedures. And IF ONLY I was a little less chicken-hearted.

6. Get inked. If Amy Winehouse’s health isn’t deteriorating at the moment, I would’ve been serious about my attempts at getting inked. I know her tattoos have nothing to do with her health problems but I just thought it would make me look sickly in a tried-my-best-to-look-tough-but-I-screwed-up kind of way. Still, I think that the skin would make a great canvas of sorts.

7. Make a fake reservation. This is an act I have rehearsed and run through over and over in the old days (but have never gotten around to doing it, obviously). This is what I’d do: I would call up and ask for a reservation in a swanky restaurant, give a fake name (probably from a residential directory), and have it cancelled seconds before the said time, or worse, make a terrific no-show.

8. Bypass the public toilet queue. One of the worst places on earth for a girl (aside from an SRO concert event) is the ladies’ public restroom. Believe me, a trip to the ladies’ room could instantly turn a blissful shopping spree into a nightmare. Long queues make me sick, so I dream of being able to pull this stunt off someday. You may think that ladies are harmless, but this I tell you: never EVER underestimate the deadly manicured claws and the monstrous spine-tingling leather handbag of a lady.

9. Crossdress for a day. One time I asked a boy bud of mine what they talk about inside the men’s room, or if they actually talk about anything at all. Well, he just looked at me as if I’d thrown cow poop at his face. So that got me wondering, what do boys talk about when they’re all by themselves (aside from sex, of course)? What do they have in their bags (porn CDs maybe)? I know guys wouldn’t confide that much in us girls so I came up with this brilliant idea!

10. Start a war in YouTube. With just a few racist videos or some really nasty jokes, I could definitely start an online bloodbath in YouTube! Yee-hah! Isn’t it fun seeing all those people hurl profanities at each other over such petty things? I know, right. This could be the start of my most dreamed-of online superstardom! Again, only if I wasn’t the gutless little miss that I am.