Saturday, May 12, 2012

Chasing Liberty

I know, it’s a corny title. It happened to be the first words that came to mind when I was thinking about blogging today. It has a pretty deep meaning, though.
I’m going to start off by stating a very well-known, very widely-accepted fact of life: We ALL have dreams. If you don’t agree with me then I’m guessing you are from another planet (but who knows, maybe aliens have dreams too). Yep, we have dreams and we want to make them happen. It’s that simple. That freakin’ simple. So I just don’t get it why some people are trying to dampen your spirits. When you want something and you want to put all your efforts to make these things work, someone comes along to throw a bucketful of water at you and crush your ambitions to bits. Ouch.
I know it’s painful. But what makes it all the more excruciating is when these people happen to be the closest to you. People who are supposed to stand by you during tough times. People who vowed to put your best interests above everything else. People who are supposed to care for you and keep you motivated [?] Like, your parents maybe.
Yes, this blog is about them. And I’m putting this on digital paper because there’s no freaking’ way I’m going to be able to stand up and tell them how I feel. Everytime I try to voice out my thoughts, they would come up with a counterattack that is so inappropriate you just want to force it out of your brain. I try not to let their words eat me. But at some point, the words just gnaw at you and you find yourself defenseless. I remember I used to cry in my room whenever my dad would throw some really nasty remark at me. It’s been his habit. He sometimes talks to us like we’re filth in his shoes. I started to hate all the curse words I hear from him when I, unaware, spat them all out myself by accident. I regretted it a lot because I never wanted to be like him in any way.
It’s been 10 years and pretty much nothing has changed at home. I am 25 years-old now and my friends would make fun of me because I still can’t make decisions for myself. It sucks bigtime. It’s not that I CAN’T make decisions, they just wouldn’t let me. At least without a huge fight. Like today, we had a row about work and me having a vacation. I’ve been working part time as an insurance agent for almost 2 years now, and as much as I want to take this job fulltime, they wouldn’t let me. Because they need me to have a steady flow of income so I can provide for them. Thing is, I WANT TO GIVE THIS JOB A TRY, and I know I’m going to be good at it.
And then there’s this vacation at Puerto Galera. I badly need this vacation! I’ve been so stressed out with work and I freakin’ deserve a break! And the place is just a few hours away, for goodness sake! A very inconsequential matter that spawned a nasty argument.
I hate these nonsensical arguments. I hate having to justify my actions all the time. I hate having to put up with their selfishness. I just want to be HAPPY—happy to do the things that I want. To travel to many places, to have a fulfilling job together with people who REALLY care about my growth, to experience so much in life no matter how bitter or sweet they’d be, to go out and have fun with friends, to love and be loved, to be free to do all these things without a heavy heart.
I wish they’d understand. I wish someday, they’d feel for me.

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